Do Not Become An Enabler

By Frank Keane

This article is intended for the family and friends of the alcoholic. It's also a good reference point for the Judge or for anyone dealing with an alcoholic or drug addict.

It has been my experience that next to denial on the part of the chemically dependent person the greatest barrier to recovery is the enabler.

Enablers can include any of the following. Parents, grandparents, children, spouse/significant other, siblings, or any family member who is involved with the addicted person. Enablers also come in the form of the employer who tolerates less than full performance, the cop who drove him/her home, the judge who bought into the story and gave him/her a break, the counselor/doctor who does not get the real story from the family; ("I just drink a few beers now and then"). The doctor who prescribes mood-altering medication to an already addicted person and on and on it goes. Do not pay legal fees; medical bills accommodation bills or any bills incurred as a result of alcohol or drug abuse. We love you dearly; but while you are judging yourself on your best intentions the whole world judges you on your track record. Go to AA or NA 90 meetings in 90 days

It's a Disease

Alcoholism/drug addiction is a disease. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

This disease does not discriminate; it affects rich, poor, educated and uneducated, all colors, nationalities and religious denominations. Having a disease is nothing to be ashamed of. Having a disease and not doing anything about it is absolutely unacceptable and must not be tolerated. The chemically dependent person must be told this.

The power of the disease

Chemical dependency gets such a powerful grip on the affected person that it can change them dramatically. It can turn a once loving, caring, reliable person into a liar, a cheat and a thief. In order to maintain the addiction during the final months of drinking or using, the chemically dependent person has to resort to major deceit and manipulation, quite often to criminal or morally unacceptable behavior.

At this stage the loved ones are at their wits end, and a person in that frame of mind is prone to making bad decisions or to accepting the unacceptable. They say to themselves I can’t go on like this and yet they do. This disease will damage and divide the strongest families: you must get help.

Getting help

There is help available and that help can be free.

Get the Alanon phone number online or from the phone book and they will give you a list of all the meetings in your area.

Start attending regular Alanon meetings as if your life depended on it and it might.

Do not be swayed by negative remarks from the chemically dependent person or from anyone. Keep an open mind about what you hear at meetings and remember that some of the people sharing may have endured so much pain and suffering before seeking help that their remarks do not make much sense to you. Just take what you need, leave the rest and get to another meeting as soon as possible. This way you will start to live in the solution rather than in the problem.

Get an Alanon sponsor; someone who has been in recovery for a while – a year or more. Pick someone who has a sponsor and who has taken the 12 steps. Do not look for a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon, just another human being. In order to get some understanding of where the chemically dependent person is coming from attend some AA open meetings and listen to the sharing.